CW: There’s a good amount of TMI in this post so please click below to read more if you don’t mind that sort of thing.

I went to the neurologist today for exertional so-called “thunderclap” headaches. Imagine the worst brain freeze you’ve ever had, sustained for about 60 seconds, 10/10 in the pain scale, then fading to a 3/10 that lasts anywhere from a day to three.

Now let me tell you how this came about, and I decided to share more details, in case anyone else has a similar experience. Not so much the headache part but the other part. I realized I didn’t know how common this was (or wasn’t) because it is a very embarrassing topic. But for other people who share my anatomy, it might be destigmatizing to discuss it freely. But it is still hard to do, as I was raised rather conservatively, so please bear with me. This is where the TMI comes in. And I do apologize for it. Again, I just want other people like me to know this isn’t abnormal.

Ok. Ok, deep breath. Here goes.

I’m 36 (37 tomorrow) and, well –I had never ever had an orgasm, ever. I’d 100% fully given up on this, quite easy to be okay with it when you don’t know what you are missing. Well, a couple months back I got a pretty amazing toy, one of those Hitachi Magic Wands, and let me tell you, that did the trick. So if you are older and you’ve never been able to achieve that by yourself or with a partner I highly recommend this. It is worth the price. But I digress.

I was having fun, the first few times everything was okay. And this is also part of the reason why I go into detail: orgasm headaches are apparently totally a thing. Mine happened the 3rd or maybe 4th time. So there was reason to think that maybe it wasn’t just how my body was, but something bad happened. Because otherwise it would more likely have happened every time. Right? So, also, these headaches are usually bilateral, and usually go away quickly. Mine was super localized, and unilateral. Plus I have a history of epilepsy. PLUS the reflexes on the right side of my body were a little weaker. My neurologist freaked out and starting calling places to see who could have me undergo two MRIs (with and without contrast) absolutely IMMEDIATELY.

(MRIs aren’t fun, I didn’t like it. Plus they mistakenly told me to drink a TON of water, due to a mix up. So I had to pee really bad for the entire duration.)

It took a few hours to hear back, but the short of it is, I’m apparently not dying. I have a cyst on the left side of my brain but apparently it’s not pushing on anything, it’s just there chilling. So that’s cool. There is no apparent explanation why I’m having such a strong “exertional headache” on such a localized spot. It’s very abnormal for these types of headaches. There seems to be no relation to my slightly weaker reflexes. Could be some minor nerve damage. Who the hell knows. So basically I’m not dying but I sure feel like I am when it happens.

The doctor said to just take normal OTC meds for the pain. So that’s the current situation. I’m glad I got it checked regardless. But you can imagine how UNBELIEVABLY AWKWARD the appointment was, especially having the neurologist basically go “please stop masturbating until we can make sure your head isn’t going to freaking explode” (in more technical terms.)

It was quite a day, and I came home to find another snail dead, I’m $150 in the hole for hypoaspis miles to eat the bad mites that are eating my snails and it’s not freaking working. So today just really sucked ass and I’m just hoping my birthday tomorrow is better. Sorry to worry everyone and sorry again for the TMI.