Ok so I’m gonna put a big ❗ CONTENT WARNING ❗ here since I know that the topic of eating/body image is a huge trigger for some people so please do not read the rest of this post if you have body image issues / eating disorders / related triggers. Especially because I include some negative talk about myself and I’m fine with that but I don’t want anyone else to feel bad.

I’ve been avoiding this topic on my blog, even though it’s in my mind so much of the time and it really just tortures me, because I worry about upsetting friends. I won’t talk about this often, but please let me have this post. Don’t click read more if this topic will upset you. I’d hate to lose followers for something I gave fair warning on.

CW: Body image, dieting, calorie counting and the like. 💧

I feel so. Freaking. Fat. I mean, by medical standards I’m sure I am at least a bit overweight. I’m 5’1” and not long ago was 130 lbs without any clothes on. Recently I actually reached 131 lbs. I’ve never seen that number on the scale before. And this happened between January and now… sigh. I ended 2019 at 119 lbs and getting there was SO HARD… ideally I want to get to 110 lbs, which I was at one point, but GOD I have no self control at all.

And, I shouldn’t have to say this after all the warnings, but this is about me. Me, not you, not other people: I would not consider someone with my body shape fat, but it is what it is, I want to be small, and lightweight, for a ton of personal reasons (some related to me being a Little.) Now I’m not these things, it’s my fault, and I’m angry at myself for it. 😩

My lack of self control is really all it comes down to. I am home all the time and I snack all the time. I love Japanese snacks. I love sweets and coffee, I love gummi candy. Thankfully I’ve never been one to eat a lot, so my horrible food choices balance out a little with that. Otherwise I think the situation would be a lot worse.

It really got bad with COVID. It’s a little comforting that literally everyone around me got fat. Food is our only comfort right now I suppose. I’ve heard multiple family and friends tell me “this is the heaviest I’ve ever been.”

But, being smaller (back when I was) made me so comfortable in my clothes and outfits. Right now I don’t feel comfortable at all. Or Little. I haven’t even been dressing Little much because when I’m heavier I just feel older.

Recently though, I started doing better. I got into making smoothies! And since my main issue is snacking between meals, I’m concentrating on removing that from my day. I’ve also cut off alcohol (I was having a glass of wine every other night and sometimes multiple nights in a row… not good). I was having two coffees a day: now, I only have one. I no longer have dessert after dinner.

Now it’s like this: morning, my canned coffee and a handful of cereal. Anytime between 12:00pm and 2:00pm I make my smoothie, about two servings. The smoothie is healthy but not over the top so. I try to make it yummy.

Ingredients I have used are strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, bananas, non-fat plain yogurt, peanut butter (recently acquired a powder instead of pure peanut butter, for flavor and far less calories) kale, oatmeal, a little bit of vanilla extract, milk. On my last trip to the grocery store I also got mango, avocado, and peaches. I change what I include every time. I may add the tiniest bit of dark chocolate flakes (very little) for a special treat. I add seeds. I sweeten with Splenda. Overall they are fairly low calorie for something unbelievably filling.

With this I fill almost two large Tervis tumblers. I have one at noon, and if needed, I have all or some of the other (dinner is usually not until 9:00pm.) I make varied, yummy dinners, I only eat one serving as a rule but I don’t obsessed over healthy eating then, as it’s my only normal meal of the day.

I also don’t guilt myself regardless of how much smoothie I want to have. I am free to drink it all if I feel the need.

And I don’t snack: at all. Only on date night (and maybe Friday night) I allow myself an extra coffee and snack, and even then, I am cautious with it.

In just a few days of this and with no added exercise, I have lost 3 pounds.

It may seem like I’m not trying hard enough food wise… but, I am looking for stuff I enjoy and something I can keep up. I don’t want to lose weight and then slowly go back to normal. I want to keep it off, and I don’t want to be hungry or not looking forward to my meals. So I want to find a happy and healthy balance. This is also why I allow myself one or two weekly snacks, because I have a lot of snack food I love at home. And if I feel like “I’ll never have a chance to eat this now” I’ll just fall off the wagon.

I want to add exercise into the mix. But doing stuff indoors doesn’t motivate me, and the heat and humidity outside are horrible. So I may look into just starting early morning walks even if it’s just walking.. just to add a little something in. But maybe soon the weather will become more pleasant as we near the end of the year.

Anyway that’s it for this post. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything, ok. I don’t hate myself. I just want to be thin because my body feels more comfortable to be in, and my clothes fit better. 😅 Wish me luck!