A Blur Of Samey Days

Pandemic life was already really weird. For many people stuck at home, sometimes itโ€™s hard to know what day of the week it is –our little routines are what gives us a sense of time and place, rather than the calendar alone.

I’m always home, so I rely on those time “markers” all the more. With Christopher relegated to the guest room as he recovers from COVID and our daily routine completely out the window, itโ€™s even more disconcerting. Itโ€™s Sunday? I think? It feels like Iโ€™m living the same day over and over.

My mind is on the holidays a lot. I realized that the idea of spending them with just my mom is flawed. My mom is the one person I truly canโ€™t be with, at least not without constantly disinfecting surfaces and wearing masks. I really donโ€™t know what Iโ€™m going to doโ€ฆ no matter what, someone will likely be mad at me or hurt by my decision.

Anyway. Today I completed another commission. Even as I do so, a thought that goes around my head a lot isโ€ฆ I wish to just stop taking commissions. I really do. I know I wonโ€™t. Maybe I could at least scale it back dramatically? I need to go back to traditional work, to drawing for me, to my books, which see sporadic bursts of intense work before commissions swallow me yet again. I want to return to sitting in front of my drawing board thinking hmm, what should I draw? And having a chance to ponder because I donโ€™t have a list of 20 things to get through. To daring to try new things because there isn’t a set expectation that I need to deliver upon.

Donโ€™t get me wrongโ€ฆ I donโ€™t hate drawing for other people, Iโ€™m just trying to find whatever it is I lost years ago, in regards to focusing on things other than furry and commissions, and I donโ€™t know if I can do that without a serious scaling back of taking new work. But Iโ€™ve tried that before, and it didnโ€™t quite work. I could try again, though.

I did draw something for myself today though. Made some new banners for the headers of individual blog posts. I have to admit, this blog really makes me so happy. Ever since I have it, it became less about showing off items I bought (I donโ€™t count my teddiesโ€ฆ I feel Iโ€™m just introducing new friends with those) and more about my life, my art, my books. You know. Meaningful things.

I have just a handful of followers and the only frequent commenter has been my good friend Nate, yet, this lack of interaction from the โ€œmassesโ€ hasnโ€™t been bad at all, rather, the complete opposite, I feel more free to write what I want and speak my mind.

Itโ€™s funny, when I was young, I wanted to be famous. I wanted lots of eyes on me. Now I want the complete opposite. Fame is not just overrated, itโ€™s terrifying. At least in our Internet age.

Anyway thatโ€™s it for todayโ€™s ramble. Christopher isnโ€™t better or worse, heโ€™s always been pretty okay except for the first day. Weโ€™re being super careful though. As you can expect, Kotoko is missing him terribly. Sheโ€™s been spending time with the other cats, but surprisingly hasnโ€™t been looking for love from me much (which she normally does a lot.)

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