As I write this, I’m alone for the first time in a while. I stayed behind while everyone else went to Walmart. We left on Thursday morning to come to Sebastian for Thanksgiving. It’s been a really nice time for the most part! Always is.

Once I was all settled in, I started playing more Code: Realize, and my mom in law’s huge, fluffy Maine coon mix came to cuddle with me. That was a first, and made me super happy. 💕💕💕 Long ago, he didn’t trust me enough to do that.

My mom in law’s roommate’s Pomeranian, Pan (full name Pandemonium) was there too, of course. Even she came to cuddle with me. She’s a pretty aloof dog, so that made me happy, too.

Thanksgiving dinner was delicious! That night, I played some more on my Switch before going to bed with Ricky Parky, whom I brought along on this trip. 🐯🎄

The next day we went to Incredible Pets, were I bought some stuff for the snails: some dishes and logs. I also said hi to the lemur:

He has a fairly large enclosure but I always wonder why he is there and what his history is… This is a large, but not chain pet store, that cares deeply about the animals they sell. Twice I have seen people there bringing animals they found somewhere to see if the store can help. So I don’t feel the lemur is there for a bad reason, possibly not even most of the time, but I also don’t know why it isn’t in a sanctuary. Maybe next time I will ask. 🤔

They had very friendly bunnies. I was able to feed one of them and pet a couple, too:

All the animals are very well socialized, and for a pet store with so many critters, you can hardly smell a thing. Everything is so clean and all the animals look so healthy.

That night we went to Makoto’s for dinner. That was a huge treat as it always is. I also did a little more shopping, but photos of that will be on separate post, since I’m about to get all whiny and self-pitying on the rest of this post.

Overall, it was lots of fun, got to do some shopping and have great food. And Christopher was really sweet to me during the visit, which really helps, and isn’t always the case (but recently he’s been making a big effort to be.)

To be honest, during family visits there seems to be this undercurrent thing of… jokingly bullying me. It’s not at all new, and I pretend to be okay with it most of the time, even though that is rarely the case.

I think, maybe it’s me —it has to be. Maybe I don’t fight it more, because I think I deserve it? Even though I think it’s good natured, a part of me always feels that it’s at least partly prompted by some deep-seated dislike of me.

Because I am obnoxious and always have been, for most of my life people around me have generally either been inclined to, at best, openly mock me, or be a little mean —more than a little, at worst.

Sometimes, that voice in my head that maybe I don’t fit in too well with my family and maybe I’m tolerated rather than wanted, is hard not to listen to. I know I am loved, so I’m not sure how to balance those things out…

I know my husband loves me deeply, and my sister in law understands me better than anyone. But I always feel like I’m not on the same level as them —I’m seen as immature and nowhere near as intelligent by comparison, and not ever taken seriously as a result. It’s been said multiple times that I am “tuned out” by others, because I talk too much, and that I write too much, I’m too loud, I’m “special” (and not the good kind of special).

Sometimes I am a little jealous of my husband and my sis in law… I wish I too would be taken seriously, like them, and not be the permanent butt of jokes, a source of amusement at best, or a tolerated nuisance at worst. I know my mom in law is really proud of them and she’s got so much reason to be, completely aside from the fact that they are her children. I wonder if she’s proud at all of me too, but what is there to be proud of me about? If she talks about me with anyone, what redeeming qualities do I possibly have? I think that has to be rough for her. I’m going to be with her son forever after all.

I don’t know. It’s happening more and more often that these visits end up with me feeling like this. I feel like I can’t win. For example, if I try being quiet in order to be less annoying, I’ll be told I’m being grumpy because it’s not normal for me to be quiet. But if I talk too much or if I am my loud normal happy self, then everyone ignores me for the most part. So I feel like I’m bothering everyone just by existing. I used to feel like I could really be myself with my family, but lately, more and more, I try to be myself as little as possible. How do you even do that? It’s very hard, you know…

I haven’t always felt this way during the visits, so I think maybe as time goes by everyone is getting a little more tired of me and it gets harder for everyone to hide it. Or maybe at this point I worry so much about it that I see signs of this where there aren’t any.

I will say I’m not the only one who is judged or treated differently… last night there was a joke at the expense of someone else present, who didn’t even know they were being the butt of a joke and not part of it. That wasn’t the only thing, but it made me realize that maybe I have both a level and an expectation of empathy from others that doesn’t match the rest of the group so in that way I am an outsider and always will be.

I know it’s a thing to just tell people to grow a thicker skin. I think there’s validity to that advice. But I had to grow much thicker skin over the last few years. At some point, it doesn’t get any thicker.

CW: Talk of s*icide ideation past the cut. Just random thoughts, I AM OKAY, for the love of God don’t worry or think the worst ok? I just didn’t want to spring these thoughts on whoever is reading the post and might be triggered by them.

I’m a very selfish person at my core. Always have been. I’m not proud of that. But I also know that my selfishness protects me —no matter how depressed I might get about this or other stuff, I could never take my life over it.

And sometimes I get very, very depressed about this. I think I always end up with a new wave of these feelings after we visit here, or at least I have the last four times, because I feel like such a massive burden to everyone just by being here and by existing around my family.

The idea of “being a burden” is a motivator to suicide for many people. I feel like I am a burden 100% of the time, just by being myself. In other ways too, but other ways could be fixed if I was less selfish.

The other way would mean literally changing who I am. The things I like, the things I say, how often I talk, and daring to voice my preferences. This is going to sound very dark, and it is, and I’m not sure I’ve ever voiced it so clearly, but when it comes to my family, I have felt once in a while that they are worse off with me than they would otherwise be. That generally, if I’m not present, they will have a better time. I think it takes a very long time of me not being there, for anyone to miss me. Sometimes I feel that existing is a terribly selfish act of me. But other than when I feel this way, I really like being alive and being with my family. I just wish I knew how to not make myself so hard to love, so hard to be around. I wish I could be easy to love like everyone around me is.

And the thing is… it takes so little for me not to feel like this. A hug from my husband, unprompted. A little wink from my mom in law, most of all not being mocked, or ignored. It doesn’t take much for me not to feel this way. But, I’m also kinda used to it now, I suppose.

WOW so this was an angsty as balls post huh?? 🤣 Sorry… I have to let it out somewhere. I really, really love my family, you know. I just wish I didn’t always have the fear that they’d rather I wasn’t there. I’m sure it’s not true. But my brain can be so convincing with the horrible things it says. I’ll try to be better at not listening to it.

And I know a lot of my friends may reach out if they read this to convince me that the feelings I have aren’t true, or aren’t founded. But the thing is, I do feel loved by friends, I don’t generally feel mocked, unappreciated or ignored by friends. So, because this is more about what I feel I am to my family (at least sometimes) it wouldn’t help too much.

Anyway I guess I’ll sign off here…

I have plenty more stuff to share, but it’ll all be in separate posts after I get home. It’ll be much more cheerful, I got it all out in this post, and I’m okay. 🙂 ✌️