Home Again

We got home past midnight. Got so much to do today, but by the afternoon life should be back to normal.

Even though the point of yesterday’s post was to shout it all out into the void, in the end we had a conversation about it in the car. I don’t even know how it came up –I’m sure I brought it up unconsciously.

Christopher showed real concern, but at the end of the day it seems there is but one solution: the way I dress and act justifies my bullying or at the very least explains it. If I want to not be dismissed, ignored, and mocked, I need to wear less colorful clothes, bags that don’t look stupid, and not bring toys with me.

That kind of breaks my heart.

A possible alternative is to be quiet a lot of the time. Either thing is very hard for me to do. The idea of buying different, “normal” clothes simply to be treated with kindness or like an adult is so bizarre to me. But I can be myself the rest of the time when I’m not around family, so maybe it’s doable. I guess if I have to change my appearance and demeanor so much, a part of me is going to be so depressed that I’m going to be quieter as a result anyway so it may be hitting two birds with one stone? ^_^;

It’s particularly sad because while I’ve always known that I’m an obnoxious personification of cringe, I thought my family loved me because of it rather than in spite of it. I’ve always kept this side of me hidden until I met my husband and his family. I thought it was okay but perhaps it’s been wearing on everyone else and that is selfish of me.

I’ve been myself far more than I ever thought possible for several years, so if the truest version of me has worn out its welcome, perhaps I just need to be grateful for those years and go back to being more “normal”. I just have this bad feeling that it will change very little in how I’m treated by family at this point, while making me very miserable in other ways.

But it’s entirely possible I’m making this a way bigger deal than it is. Like Christopher said, sometimes you have to present yourself differently, such as at work. I just can’t present myself in the way that makes me happiest around family. And just because that is a bummer it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Maybe I’ll try to not be myself at least for a while, and see what happens even if it’s hard. Maybe it won’t be so hard since I’ll feel more self-conscious about it now anyway.

Several more posts are coming over the next few days. I need to catch up on housework and commissions first.

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