So… I didn’t have the greatest night. It really feels at times like my body is starting to give up on me in really weird ways.

You might remember that weird paresthesia thing, where I’ll wake up in the morning with one of my limbs (could be arms or legs but usually legs) completely asleep, like a dead weight. I cannot feel it at all. No tingling. Nothing. Eventually it does tingle and feeling comes back but it’s always scary. And as soon as I lay down I feel like something in my extremities isn’t flowing right –there’s a numbness and a tingle that it very mild but is there.

While this is a new symptom, very close to when it started I had so many tests done. Nothing seemed to be seriously wrong.

Yesterday there was a new twist. I was very tired and fell asleep immediately, but from midnight to maybe 4:30am, I woke up with a start and a pounding heart every five to ten minutes. That gets utterly exhausting very, very fast. I was so sleepy, every time I went right back to sleep. It was like someone torturing me with sleep deprivation. I checked my heart rate many times during the night, and it was never at a dangerous level, but it would certainly jump, and this would wake me up. I can’t begin to tell you how tired and sleepy I am, yet afraid of trying to sleep again. I am legitimately worried that something is wrong but afraid of saddling us with bills only to be told “you have anxiety”. I don’t want to make myself a bigger burden.

And it could be anxiety, too. I stressed out a fair bit the last few days spent with family. I am very, very stressed about the rest of the year: two commercial commissions, a lot of due commissions I was hoping to get done before December ends, but having to take more to pay a TON of bills ($400 total) because this is just when a lot of the yearly things are due. Plus having to worry about the one next big charge in January (adding to that, I have so many birthdays and things the first few months of the year… it’s super stressful. Most years I forget about the stress of the first part of the year, but this time I remember.) Plus Tomoyo has been so sick. Even if she is okay now.

Just in case… no coffee today… I had some decaf tea, and I’ll probably try to sleep a little longer.