Well… my stress-free time didn’t really last. I’m actually more stressed than I was two days ago (for completely different reasons) and this time, it seems like it’s just going to stay like that. I tried.

Grandma is coming over for Christmas… I think she’s almost 80 or thereabouts and with a bad hip. Even with all the precautions in the world, this idea scares me so much that I went to bed in tears. I understand that Grandma is just kind of… done with it all (as far as continuing to have her life on hold.) After all, Grandpa is gone, and she is alone. She wants to enjoy life. But with a vaccine so obviously near (multiple ones, at that) taking such huge risks boggles my mind. Very soon, we could all be safe (or at least, she could be) and we could enjoy regular visits. But if she gets COVID now, that will be the end of that.

It seems, however, that I am the only person in my family who feels this is any sort of thing worth speaking up about. I can’t go against everyone.

Ordinarily, Grandma coming here would make me so, so happy… I’m trying to just be happy, since I do not have an alternative.

To add to this, the porch is in utterly horrendous shape. I’d show a photo to make it clear just how bad, but it’s so bad, that I don’t want a photo of it in my blog.

The saddest and funniest thing is that some 30 minutes ago I was texting with Grandma, and she was all like “It’s okay dear, we can all eat in your beautiful porch to be safe.” Oh Grandma… 😭 If you only knew. I look at it and I want to cry, again… I need a pressure cleaner to take care of it, but that wouldn’t get here until Grandma herself does, since she’s coming with my mom and sis in law whom I usually borrow it from.

So even if I decide I will be like everyone else and try to hope for the best virus-wise, I still can’t look forward to Christmas, because of this disaster. In order for us to even eat outside or anything, I’ll have to spend hours cleaning on the very day Grandma will visit. I just feel so helpless about it all.

Anyway. Whatever. Nothing matters. Haha.

Or, maybe I’ll just take even more work, so I can go and rent the pressure cleaner. It’s just that the rental is only for four hours. Maybe I’ll stress less if I do that. It’s better to do something, anything, right…? I still have time… I’ll see how much I can get done this week, and maybe renting one is possible. I can’t just give up, it’s not like me, but being the only one who finds some things important or necessary is just such a terrible feeling sometimes, I don’t know why but it makes me feel like I am all alone in some things. I have such a sad heavy feeling today and I don’t even know how to move on with the day but I’ll have to find a way.

EDIT: I feel better, since Christopher is going to actually buy a pressure cleaner, though I’ll be putting my January allowance to cover most of it. I’ll have to figure out more work regardless, to cover my ZOHO bill. 😥 But, having a pressure cleaner means the porch never need get to this point again, a big relief to be sure. I just wish I wasn’t the only one who cares… I know he just wants me to be happy and not stressed, but he doesn’t care how the porch looks, and in stuff like this I feel absolutely alone.

Anyway, I have an elf post as well, I decided to separate it from this because I have so many negative feelings here. But now at least I got them out.

Unusually, I don’t feel much better. Maybe if I start doing things around the house, I will. I’m just full of those “being a burden” feelings, like even if my intentions are good, it doesn’t matter, in the end everyone is troubled by me caring about things no one else cares about. It makes me want to disappear. I don’t know how I’ll get through today feeling so low, but I’m going to do my best.