I forgot to write about Buddy and Sarah today. I found them mid-morning but I’ve been too depressed today to blog about that. I still am, but Buddy and Sarah went through the trouble of hiding, and they even stayed in my studio, it’s not their fault I’m so sad today so I don’t want to ignore their effort.
With that said, I can’t believe I’m in bed so early (it’s not even 9pm) or so tired… usually when I start my day off on such a bad note, it generally improves. But today is ending worse than it began. I may play a little Animal Crossing but most of all I just want to fall asleep and let today be over. Maybe tomorrow can be better. I just feel so sad, so lonely and discouraged.
The one good thing that happened is that I got a lot of art done. My favorite today is Flen’s commission which I sketched and inked. I can’t wait to complete it.
Anyway if you’re a friend reading this please don’t worry too much about me, I’ll be okay, I have bad days sometimes. It was just worse because today was a really special day but in the end, well, it wasn’t. It would have been a bad day if it was a normal day, but it wasn’t at that.
I’ll do my best again tomorrow, I’m sure eventually I’ll cheer up again.
I hope you all have a wonderful night and that you’re staying safe and enjoying your holiday season. 🐌🎄✨
It should be a minor thing, really but, not having other people in your life care about things that matter to you is so deeply isolating. I understand with some things… I don’t expect anyone else in my family to care about snails or teddy bears. And even though it hurts, I understand if only my mom cares about our immigration anniversary.
But there are other things, too. Only I care about decorating the house for Christmas. Only I care about planning the holiday meals when we host. Only I care if the house looks nice for family when they visit. And my caring about these things instead of just “letting them happen” (magically I guess, with zero preparation) is “neurotic”. I feel like I cannot win. What am I even supposed to do. No one is going to do the things I care about for me, but me. But caring enough to do them is somehow bad, too.
Even worse is being reminded of how slow I am at those preparations. They’re so hard for me to do all alone, but the fact that it takes me days to do them is of course bad, too. And I can’t help being bad at some things. I’m bad at a lot of things, but I’m still trying so hard.
But none of it should matter at the end of the day, because Christmas is probably going to get canceled anyway, so screw trying. Why try? I’m the only one who cares. I’m the only one who will be disappointed by canceled plans. It doesn’t matter to anyone else. Why do I even pretend it does?
I just can’t put into words how completely alone all this makes me feel though. Almost as if I didn’t have anyone else. There are some joys and worries in life that I need shared, or else, everything feels pointless.
Today didn’t start so great. My cramps are really bad (at least this likely means I won’t have any tomorrow) and the morning very quickly gave me a vibe of “I should keep my head down and be quiet” today. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Ordinarily, today I would be trying to do something to celebrate with my mom, but, you know, COVID. December 12th is a deeply important date to me and my mother; it’s the day we arrived to the United States and left everything behind, unaware that my dad and grandma would die before I could see them again. It was one of the happiest AND scariest days of my life.
This year it’s extra special, because it marks 19 years. That means that I have officially lived longer in the USA than in Argentina. Sadly no one cares to celebrate it or mark it in any way or congratulate me, other than my mom, so when she’s gone, it’ll be a day like any other. And this year I can’t see even her. It’s so odd to have it be such a non-event, even though, on no other date did my life change so drastically as when I left my country of birth behind forever. My wedding day is the only thing that comes close to that.
All in all this feels like an odd day, with a kinda sad and lonely vibe, and one where I feel I should try to stay out of the way as much as I can. I’m going to do my chores and then work on commissions until I drop.