The last couple of weeks have been rough. Heck, the last month has, but especially the last few days. It seems like every other day something happens to send me into a deep spiral of emotional turmoil, and I hardly recover from one before it happens again.
My computer dying was one of the recent things. Thankfully my husband fixed it, generously covered the cost of a new motherboard and processor and even moved everything just as it was (Windows install and all) so nothing at all is different. Drivers etc everything is just as before except of course for the things that are no longer part of my computer. We removed associated software and added what actually was needed, as well as moved the Windows license, and I had to log in again to a few services (Steam, Adobe, iCloud, that’s mostly it).
A lot of the recent stuff that happened (cruise, COVID, iPad dying, computer dying, extended friend visits) left only small pockets of time to work on art, so a lot of my stuff is currently a bit delayed. I can’t emphasize how much of a difference my commissioner’s patience makes. But even so, knowing people are waiting longer than they should have makes me unhappy. I’m hoping that life can just… calm down. I need some normal downtime when nothing is happening but art.
There’s also just been stuff that is too personal to get into. With me being someone who talks about so much private stuff you know that it is rare for me to say anything is “too personal to talk about”. But recently, some stuff just is, and it is stuff that does affect me very intensely as far as emotions and mental well-being.
So I’ve had some high highs, but also some deeply crushing lows recently and I kinda keep those private so people mostly don’t know, not even close friends.
A TL,DR would be: for a variety of reasons, I really haven’t been okay at times. I’m also pretty confident that everything is going to BE okay. Sometimes life has conflict. Sometimes some stuff just takes a 💩. But I admit I did have times, recently, when I felt completely hopeless and unhappy regarding certain things. And I don’t think this feeling is just gone, I think it’s going to be coming back and worrying me for a while.
I think I’m on an upswing again, and I’m trying my hardest to be a positive force in my own life towards fixing those things that are negatives. Fix what I can and accept what I can’t. I’m trying. If I could, I would probably seek counseling to better handle the things that upset me.
With that said, between my mental state and everything else that has been going on, it’s certainly affected my artistic output. But I have never stopped working on art. I know no one has complained, but I still feel a need to both apologize and reassure.
Ultimately 70% of the reason behind my slowdown has been technical (related to my equipment/getting used to new equipment) I’m pretty good at pushing through my work even when I’m not emotionally okay. With both my iPad and computer being now new or basically the equivalent of new, hopefully that is the end of those slowdowns.
The rest has been related to family/friends/travel, and the last big event on that front is Mwako visiting me again soon. Once that visit has passed, I should be working at a normal pace again for the foreseeable future.
I should add (as I’ve mentioned before) that if you see updates on my blog slow down to a crawl it usually means I’m not okay. It’s just that I no longer vomit all of my depression and personal grievances quite in the same manner I used to all over social media. I don’t want to use Twitter or my followers as a dumping ground for mental health issues and constant negativity. Constant rants and toxic vents rightfully drive people away, and some years ago I made a conscious decision to stop being that kind of person, because when others did that, it affected my own mental health.
I guess this also makes it a little harder to know if I’m ok or not. So, once in a while, I do a little check-in if this sort. I’m here, I’m working through some stuff. Please continue to bear with me.