40th Birthday Wishes ๐ŸŽˆ

So, in exactly one month, I am going to be FORTY freaking years old. WHAT. ๐Ÿ’€ Anyway. I used to have a lot of places I posted my birthday wishlists on… now I guess all I have is my blog. ยฏ\_(ใƒ„)_/ยฏ The list isn’t very big this year, but I do have some wishes on it that are a bit nuts I suppose. I’m gonna be 40, so let me dream big… here’s the link:

๐ŸŽ My Wish List ๐ŸŽ

I have just three things on my list this year. To be fair, none are very realistic. ๐Ÿ™ƒ So any Amazon gift card that got me closer to these goals would mean a great deal to me.

๐ŸŒˆ A Large Format Printer ๐ŸŒˆ

Now that I’m nearly done with commissions, this printer is very, very high on my list. I would use it primarily as a tool to print non-photo blue sketches onto large illustration board. This may seem like a limited use for such a printer, but it is a very major deal to me and one that would have quite an impact in my creative process.

If I had to pick just one thing for my birthday it would be this printer.

๐ŸŒˆ A Large-Format Scanner ๐ŸŒˆ

This scanner kinda goes together with the printer, ideally. It would ease other parts of the process: sometimes I want to do a digital sketch, print it on large paper, ink it traditionally, and then scan it –whether to color it digitally or add to the book. This is the most expensive wish on my list by far, so I’m not holding my breath, haha. ๐Ÿ˜…

๐ŸŒˆ A Glider Bench To Sit On And Draw ๐ŸŒˆ

I feed a lot of birds and wildlife and would like to have this bench to sit on, glide a little, and draw or read while looking at the critters. This one is far more expensive on Amazon, so I didn’t add it to the list. It’s more affordable at Home Depot.

How Much Is That Puppy On The Window? ๐Ÿถ

Artistic freedom commission for Mwako, also featuring Rama, Drake, Snow, Toren, a tiny cameo by Seven, and myself!

๐Ÿ„ Artwork is ยฉ 2023 by Marina Neira. You may NOT copy, color, reference, repost or use this artwork in any way or claim it as your own. Only the commissioner/giveaway winner & those featured in the artwork may repost with credit and following my Terms of Use.

Lucky To Be Friends ๐Ÿ€๐ŸŒˆ

Found a four leaf clover! As if we weren’t lucky enough already. ๐Ÿฅฐ

An artistic freedom commission for Mwako, also including Drake, Snow and myself!

๐Ÿ„ Artwork is ยฉ 2023 by Marina Neira. You may NOT copy, color, reference, repost or use this artwork in any way or claim it as your own. Only the commissioner/giveaway winner & those featured in the artwork may repost with credit and following my Terms of Use.

Week 25 Summary: Goodbye, CTS ๐Ÿ˜ข

WARNING: Short little video at the end of the Saturday summary, which shows a tiny, tiny snake that really looks just like an earthworm! But might still give some the heebie-jeebies.

Well, it is finally over. No more Christmas Tree Shop. I will miss it, sincerely… but now I am free to finish the last three commissions, to work on scrapbooking pages, to read, to game! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ To binge Prehistoric Planet and The Mandalorian, and to finish 3,000 Leagues In Search Of Mother. ๐Ÿค“ For a while, free to kinda do anything –I won’t seek another job until after my Alaska and Orlando vacations. ๐Ÿšข๐ŸŽˆ

But for the rest of this week, I worked a lot, determined to give my last week at CTS my all. โœŒ I must have cried like three times, twice on the last day. I wondered why at the time… I’ve only been there three months.

It’s true that I grew very fond of the team, above all, and the work was pleasant. But I think that I may still be reeling from the recent drastic actions to altogether remove myself from my online home and community of almost twelve years. ๐Ÿ˜” CTS closing is a small ending in my life, but that other, far more significant ending is still in the background of my mind and my heart. Perhaps my brain connected the grief of both.

Anyhow, let me tell you all about this week. Hopefully, you’ll find it interesting!

Thank you in advance to anyone who comments on this post! Though it may take me a little while to reply, your comments mean so much to me! ๐Ÿ’˜โœจ๐Ÿ’•

๐ŸŒˆ Monday ๐ŸŒˆ

On Monday I worked on commissions and housework for most of the day. I also played a little WoW. I finished the last official commission for Snow. Just three to go!

I’ve still been going back and forth in my mind regarding Instagram. I know it’s pointless to have it and yet do not feel quite ready to delete it. Maybe once I adjust to being without FA. I found myself trying to browse the site still (FurAffinity, I mean) so I blocked it on Cold Turkey Blocker.

๐ŸŒˆ Tuesday ๐ŸŒˆ

This day started off badly. I overslept. Barely made it to work on time, and was cranky and tired. When I got to work, the discount was even lower:

This meant people behaved even worse. They always do when the price goes down, for some reason. The store was even more condensed and empty…

There’s not much of a store left at this point, really.

Lunch was the usual salad, but I had a Petit Pot for dessert, which felt special.

On this day I finally finished most of my leftover purchases. Here’s a cute rat card I got for scrapbooking:

๐ŸŒˆ Wednesday ๐ŸŒˆ

Last workday before my day off –at least it was a short one! After I got back, I showered, changed into my deer kigurumi, and had Kid Cuisine for lunch. Can’t beat that!

I’d run out of coffee the day prior, so I had a caffeine-withdrawal headache until the late afternoon when Amazon delivered it. ๐Ÿ˜– I coped by napping until it arrived.

We had pizza for dinner and in general, it was a nice relaxing evening. I went to bed excited about my day-off plans.

๐ŸŒˆ Thursday ๐ŸŒˆ

This was a special, and very wonderful day. I recently got paid. While my prior paycheck went entirely to my mom’s fund, I had different plans for this one. Since I do not intend to work again until September, I needed to make sure all of my bills are covered until then. I paid the ones I could pre-pay and set money aside for all the others from now through December.

I also bought a couple of gifts, and set aside spending money for the cruise and for the Orlando trip. Finally, I had a “me” day, just a day in which I allowed myself to dress cute, go out, have breakfast, enjoy my own company, and spend a little money on myself without regrets or guilt. Ok, maybe just a little guilt. ๐Ÿ˜…

I took a selfie before heading out; I hadn’t done this in a while.

My first stop was Target, where I found (and bought) this amazing Smurf and Snail hoodie!

I have been wanting to change my pillowcases for a long time but never saw any I liked enough. But this time I found two!

They are a bit wrinkled, but here are my favorite sides. I threw them in the wash which should smooth the wrinkles out.

I also found Bluey bowls to match my plates, cutlery, placemat and cup!

This is something that I didn’t buy, but seeing it filled me with nostalgia:

When I was very little, this is what TMNT toys used to look like. I never really liked them; they looked angry and… veiny? Lol. I remember being upset because I liked the cartoon and wished they looked friendly like they did in the show.

A little boy in my neighborhood had some of these toys, and seeing it now I very vividly remember holding it in my hand, moving its limbs, and just how it felt against my skin; its weight, all of its sharp edges, the shell, etc. So it was nice seeing it again, and remember.

I took a photo of some bright, weedy grass because it had many different shades of yellow and green, and was so pretty. Wildflowers were popping out of it here and there.

Then I made it to the mall! I passed by the quirky dino rider thingies. This time I took photos of different ones. One looked kinda like an axolotl but also somewhat like Toothless… only pink. My favorite was the parasaurolophus, hands down!

Then I went to “Cutie”, a store that is very fun to browse but I almost never buy anything there. They sell toys that were sold on close-out at other stores in the mall, only super overpriced, and a LOT of Aliexpress junk as well as fake Sanrio stuff sold for the price of the real thing. With that said, it’s a super cool store to just have fun in, and they have this giant raptor statue!

This guy looked so friendly:

I took a photo of this particular toy because it looks so much like the sort of weird, made-in-China hodgepodge I would get at markets when I was a little girl. Just look it over carefully and keep reading; it gets consistently more hilarious.

Finally, it was time to go to Build-A-Bear! This guy was greeting (er… guarding?) the entrance. I get that he’s supposed to be waving, but he also kinda looks like he’s gonna deck you one…

I really scored with my BAB finds this time! Put together three whole outfits:

Freckles was the main reason I went to Build-A-Bear. He needed clothes, and now he has a proper outfit! Although I think he needs a hat, still:

He doesn’t look very happy, but that’s okay. Freckles is hard to please. Hard, get it. Because he has a wooden face.

Moving on…

Cool dress at Hot Topic!

Loungefly backpacks are a work of art. So unaffordable though… I only own one (and a tiny bag). It’s rare I even take photos of them but I love this one:

Here’s a decoration at a Toys “R” Us display:

Looks like a Christmas decoration that got left behind, but it’s still cute.

My dream Cranky keeps taunting me everywhere I go… ๐Ÿ˜ž I want him so badly. There are a bunch of Cranky models, I only want the one that comes in this very specific box. It is the “Brendham Docks” model by Fisher-Price and has a woodgrain band to the right of the box. This one, specifically.

Unfortunately, he’s really expensive and I can never bring myself to blow an entire special day’s budget on him. I’ve had him on my wishlist for so long now, updating it as different versions of him come out. He never goes on sale, at least not this new version. Someday…!

See, the problem with other Crankys is that either they aren’t compatible with regular track, or their faces are wrong. Cranky HAS to look cranky. It’s Cranky after all! And this line has made the best facial expressions by far.

Anyway, here are a couple of cute plushies I saw:

One of my favorite finds of this outing was this Child’s Play shirt and lounge pants. They were sold separately, I just really loved the pants so I looked for a shirt that would be a good set:

I think it’s a pretty perfect match!

In the afternoon, I repotted my Norfolk Island pine. It’s in a massive pot now. Here’s hoping it shoots up nice and strong!

I also managed to make time to install my new lights: purple lights over the bookcases, shamrock lights in the bed, and heart lights by the window:

I was SO delighted with my Chucky loungewear!!

Then it was time for wine and WoW. I kinda wasted my time since I tried a couple of dungeons but it is obvious I cannot solo them yet. Oh well.

An otherwise happy and relaxing evening for all of us took a bit of a downturn as Kotoko, who hadn’t been quite right since the morning, refused to eat and acted more and more unlike herself, clearly uncomfortable and not purring at all the way she usually does. We are hoping it’s a blip… she’s been doing so well. But we also know that she could go at any point, given her condition.

๐ŸŒˆ Friday ๐ŸŒˆ

In the morning, Kotoko came to look out the window which meant climbing from the floor onto my lap and then the table. I also heard her open her food bowl but I’m unsure if she ate very much. She wasn’t interested in fresh wet food, but she did take some treats from me and actually purr while eating them.

Throughout the week, my relief at deleting FA has only increased. I did, however, notice that not every old friend wants to stay in touch with me, even though I haven’t had anyone explicitly come out and say it, in a couple of cases it was pretty obvious. I’m not gonna lie, it does sting a little, but the reasons are precisely the same reasons why I am leaving the community as a whole. There is a certain attitude towards certain things that I personally find toxic and preposterous, and this puts me at odds with a lot of people.

But it is each person’s prerogative to stay in touch or not. They probably feel the same way about me. On the one hand, it reinforces my decision: I read the room accurately when I chose to leave. On the other hand, it feels sucky to be right.

I know this is pretty rambly, so I will quote what someone else said elsewhere: come the day that FA’s grace period regarding their updated AUP ends, a lot of people are in for a painful wake-up call. This includes many people that consider their work to be “totally SFW and non-k!nk”.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t exactly want to see people upset. But I’m not gonna shed tears when they, too, begin getting takedowns and bans. We warned them, after all. ยฏ\_(ใƒ„)_/ยฏ

Here’s a Random Raikes bunny I ordered. Couldn’t resist his “I’m trippin’ balls” face. I’ll name him Romaine.

That’s the eBay photo; I’ll show him off again once I’ve dressed him in a proper outfit and all that.

The workday was good. Kotoko appeared to be feeling a little better when I got home. I gave her more meds, had lunch, and then, a snack:

Then it was time for housework… lots and lots of housework. When I was done, I sat down to work on art until bedtime, with a break for dinner.

I switched my pillowcases with the new clean ones. They’re still a bit wrinkly, but I love them! It’s only two but I do love both sides of the Jurassic World one:

๐ŸŒˆ Saturday ๐ŸŒˆ

For most intents and purposes, this was the last day at CTS. We told all customers today was the last day, and it was the last day on which I would see several coworkers.

This photo is of how the store looked when I came in. If you compare it with a photo taken just about four hours later, the difference is quite stark.

I got this unexpected message when I logged in to my register…

A silly joke by a customer:

For lunch I had an egg salad sandwich and one of the jelly donut holes I found in the break room.

I shared it with Bargain:

Bargain and I partook in some “strong apple juice”. It’s just something that happened throughout the day on the down-low, though “strong apple juice” wasn’t everyone’s comfort drink. We didn’t go nuts of course, but it was a nice little thrill on this last difficult day…

Here’s a pupper photoset. This guy was a bit shy, which you can tell in the photos, but also friendly, and did little jumps at me and licked my hands all over. He wanted to be friends, but was also somewhat reserved. His name was Loki.

I took a few selfies with some of my favorite coworkers (mind you this is not all of them):

In the first photo is Sandra, whom I originally spoke to the day on the day I first applied to work at CTS. She was the first one I ever met. Sandra is no-nonsense but very kind and very hardworking; you can tell she doesn’t suffer fools gladly, yet she still was very patient with me all the time that I was there.

In the second photo is Carolina, or just Caro. She is a very sweet person with a warm and caring demeanor, who has an incredibly contagious and loud laugh, which you could hear from the other end of the store, even over loud music. Invariably it would cause customers I’d be ringing up at the register to raise amused eyebrows and to comment that “it sounds like someone is having fun over there”. Hearing her laugh was always a highlight, and on the first few days after we found out about the store closing, it would make me tear up thinking I’d no longer get to hear it every day.

In the last photo is Lucy. Lucy is kind of the “star manager” of the store, the one customers always ask for, and whom everyone else (other employees as well as other managers) invariably speak highly of. She trained me, and thanks to her, I gained a lot of self-confidence in areas that ended up bettering my life outside of work. I learned a lot from her and I really will miss her terribly.

There are other people I like a lot with whom I didn’t get to take photos (yet)… I either didn’t have a chance or felt too shy to ask. Some I would have a chance later in the week –my boss, Lazaro, being one of them. He is one of the best bosses I ever had, with a very strong but caring, honest and hardworking personality. I always really wanted to please him, but I also annoyed him a lot. ๐Ÿ˜…

Here’s the other photo I was talking about. It’s less than four hours later, yet you can see how much emptier the store appears. You can see Caro and Sandra posing for me in the middle (this photo, like the other one, was taken from the upstairs office):

In the last few days at the store, even this TV gave up…

A photo from my register when it was close to my time to leave, around 6:30 pm. Hardly anything left by this point.

Christopher came into the store a few minutes before 7:00 pm and chit-chatted with my coworkers as I said my goodbyes to those I wouldn’t see again. I was really glad about this, so he could meet the people I’d come to care a lot about, if only for a little while.

I took a photo of this punch-out, because even though I’d punch in and out on Sunday, this day felt really momentous and I didn’t want to risk my Sunday schedule perhaps being changed or canceled and then I didn’t take one last photo. After all, this was still the “last” day (technically) so this punch-out felt more significant.

Christopher took me to The Pub for dinner:

Our partner was with our other friends on this afternoon, discussing arrangements for their wedding, and going out and having some fun with them, so Christopher and I had a rare night out by ourselves. ๐Ÿฅฐ It felt special. We also walked around Target a little just for fun, holding hands, and he showed me that he’d bought me these ugly but adorable Raikes beavers from eBay that I really wanted. He’s been spoiling me a LOT lately.

Actually, both he and our partner have been spoiling me so much. Since March and until now, I have been extremely difficult to be around as I try to adjust to schedule changes that simply do not work for me and my delicate-ass psyche. At times I even inferred extremely hyperbolic stuff like basically not wanting to be alive (and at the time, it felt like I meant it) because I was basically in an extended mental breakdown.

To be honest, I hardly know how they dealt with it. Particularly as it’s reaching the end, I realize that the last few months were, for them, a constant battle to accommodate to my desires, whether by ordering what I wanted to eat, giving me attention/petting me when I demanded it and then leaving me alone when I wanted that instead, taking me out to eat, buying me stuff to cheer me up, giving me rides to and from work, listening to SO much bitching and crying, being on the brunt of random explosive fits of rage, and more.

I know most of all for them, my next job *has* to be something I can handle better, without falling apart. I cannot do this to them again and I am lucky that it didn’t damage two of the most important relationships in my life. Here’s hoping I’ve learned a thing or two and can do better next time.

WARNING REMINDER: Short video below which shows the tiniest snake!

In the evening Christopher and I found a tiny wee earthworm-like snake in the movie room. Well, Rosie did. It turned out to be a Brahminy Blindsnake, also known as a Flowerpot Snake. They are non-native, but very common to Florida, and completely harmless.

Some fun facts I learned:

“During the hot summer months in Florida, we receive numerous reports from people finding small, shiny black, thread-like snakes on the floors inside their houses, especially the bathrooms.”

“Blindsnakes eat termites and the eggs and pupae of ants. Therefore, if you are seeing several of these snakes inside, it is possible that you have ants or termites living in or near your house as well.”

From FloridaMuseum.ufl.edu

Indeed, we have plenty of ants and termites. Our tenting should occur within the month. We placed the little lady safely outside.

Another fun fact about these snakes is that all are female, and a genetic clone of their mothers.

๐ŸŒˆ Sunday ๐ŸŒˆ

The week comes to an end… and so does my time at CTS. I started this day doing all the chores I could. I wanted to come home to relax and draw when the workday was done. After doing all I could, I went to work. I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of what we would be doing, but when I got there at noon, the store was still serving customers:

I said hello and went upstairs to put my lunch away. I noticed no one was hiding the comfort drinks anymore…

We no longer had the official store music going on, everyone was playing whatever they wanted, sitting on the desks at the registers, no one cared much about anything, but we were still unfailingly serviceable to any customer that came in.

Customers were very few. After all, there was very little left at the store…

While we waited for stuff to sell and some of my coworkers did some cleaning here and there, I took another picture and a bit of video of the empty store:

It was super eerie and echoey (though I removed the sound, as it was loud and annoying):

Ultimately, while we had a few customers buy something here and there, a single couple would buy all that was left, to resell it. They came with a cute doggy friend:

And with that, we were done. Closed forever. All the stores across the country that are also closing were supposed to close today. We managed to be the first store to do so. My coworkers then began to take all the signs down. They shut the doors. And well, I finally kind of lost it a little, and did some proper “ugly crying”.

But then, food arrived! For lunch, we all pitched in for pizza (Christopher pitched in for my part). Normally I take my photos of Bargain on the down-low, but today I really didn’t care:

We had a very pleasant meal all of us together. Afterwards, I took some more pics as we disassembled stuff…

That last pic is where the carts used to be stored.

Then we went upstairs to continue the clean-up and I got to take a selfie with another favorite coworker of mine, Letti:

Letti bought a bunch of these cute St. Patrick’s Day decorations and gave one to each of us. She wrote a very sweet note and her contact info on the back of mine. Letti and I both grew on each other while I worked there, even though we both have strong personalities. I’m really happy that I met her.

The calendar from the upstairs office…

Before I left, we all took a picture together. Well, some people left before this could be arranged, but as it turned out, I still managed to get all of my most favorite people in there –at least, the ones that worked today, and that I worked with the most. There are definitely people I still wish had been in the photo, though:

We actually got two really good shots. They are different, so I wanted to share them both –and, appropriately, this is my last CTS-related photo ever:

I am so, so glad I got to work here. In spite of me not dealing well with the closer-to-full-time hours near the end, it’s still a really happy memory that I won’t forget. I hope you enjoyed my sharing of the experience with you on the blog.

Once we were home, Christopher asked me to go check the closet. I did, and he’d hidden a surprise for me there!

He’d bought it secretly after dropping me off! I was really touched, it was such a sweet and unexpected gesture. ๐Ÿฅฐ

I did lots of chores, and then sat down to dinner:

At some point in the evening, I found that Rosie had gotten cozy with Chucky. I’m not sure that’s such a great idea. He doesn’t have the best track record with cats.

At the very end, people called dibs on store stuff that was being thrown away or not being sent back. The Ty display would be trashed, so I removed this plastic heart logo from it, as a memento, and later stuck it to my bed:

And that is it for this week! Next week I hope to finish all the due commissions. Not sure if I’ll make it –they are all complicated pieces. But once I do, then I am actually going to resume my for-fun endeavors and my book progress.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week! As a reminder, if you haven’t yet –you’re welcome to join my Telegram chat. I am quite active there! Just read the rules before participating. See ya there!

Naptime In The Glade ๐ŸŒณ๐Ÿฆ‹

Artistic freedom commission for SnowTheBear, also featuring MizSeven and LoupyLupine!

๐Ÿ„ Artwork is ยฉ 2023 by Marina Neira. You may NOT copy, color, reference, repost or use this artwork in any way or claim it as your own. Only the commissioner/giveaway winner & those featured in the artwork may repost with credit and following my Terms of Use.

Week 24 Summary: Counting Down The Days ๐Ÿ“…๐Ÿƒ

Hectic, bittersweet days continue at work. Next week will be our last week left together. A few cute puppers visited the store, and as usual, I took photos of them to share with you. ๐Ÿถ

In some BIG news… I deleted my FurAffinity account this week. I would say that was the most momentous event. Also, this week I didn’t draw. I may or may not draw next week… right now I’m just going through the motions to complete the last week at CTS. But I will definitely resume drawing when the store closes!

Thank you in advance to anyone who comments on this post! Though it may take me a little while to reply, your comments mean so much to me! ๐Ÿ’˜โœจ๐Ÿ’•

๐ŸŒˆ Monday ๐ŸŒˆ

Someone had drawn a little sad face by the board countdown…

I really enjoyed my lunch on this day. I had an egg salad sandwich.

A customer with a lovely golden retriever came to the store! He was so friendly and happy.

When my husband and our partner came to pick me up after this long and busy day, I was surprised to see that Kotoko had joined them for the ride!

She seemed very interested in everything there was to see:

I took a little video, as well:

Our partner was in charge of dinner this night. He made an amazing sous vide steak with some newfangled equipment he bought. For some reason, Christopher decided to drink and got pretty hammered, which made the evening… interesting.

I ended my night playing World of Warcraft as I have been doing recently.

๐ŸŒˆ Tuesday ๐ŸŒˆ

I had salad again for lunch.

The store empties further, not just with passing days but with passing hours. So, I continue to take photos…

It’s eerie and can be very disorienting. For some employees, coming back to this after having one or two days off, and seeing the store look alien and unrecognizable, can be rough to say the least, and makes them understandably depressed. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ

๐ŸŒˆ Wednesday ๐ŸŒˆ

Wednesday was my day off. I went for a walk for the first time in a very long time. I saw some interesting mushrooms:

And a tiny lizard!

In the afternoon, the little outfits I commissioned for my new pair of Duendys by Nines D’ Onil came in. They fit pretty well! I also made them two necklaces each (one with a snail and one with a primary-colored pacifier) and keychains with toy toys. They still need name necklaces, but their names are Trapper and Keeper. I meant for Trapper to be a boy, but then realized these are anatomically correct dolls, and both are little girls! ๐Ÿ˜…

In the evening I played World of Warcraft while Rosemary kept me company nearby.

๐ŸŒˆ Thursday ๐ŸŒˆ

As I came back to work on Thursday, I noticed that there was now a countdown sign by the entrance:

My boss, Lazaro, had written a message to the team on the board. It made me tear up…

Had salad for lunch:

We played a little LEGO in the evening. I have two wonderful HUGE sets to do, but just don’t feel emotionally ready to tackle them. So I grabbed my last two tiny sets. I’m hoping Christopher will get me some smaller sets to add to my backlog. Sometimes, I just need a few sets like these (well, a little more complex than these) in between builds to clear my head.

๐ŸŒˆ Friday ๐ŸŒˆ

Friday morning, some stuff had been added to the board:

Later, before my boss left for the day, I wanted to tell him some stuff that I didn’t want to lose the chance to share with him before this is all over. One of the things I wanted him to know is how much the team appreciates him.

A manager doesn’t usually get to hear what employees say behind his back, only to his face. He has a really strong personality. He actually gets on people’s nerves a lot. But even when employees vent to one another about him, they have kind things to say. Even someone complaining about him will end the sentence with “but he’s a good guy/boss/I like working for him.” I saw this consistently in the few months I’ve been there, but even more so, recently.

The weird thing is, I haven’t been emotional at work, but after I spoke to him, as I walked back to the register, I suddenly became really overcome with sadness. It took a huge effort not to start crying as I rang up the next person. It doesn’t feel like I’ve been there just three months. I love the store and my coworkers. I am so sad that this is ending.

On this day, the store had a special visitor. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but Corgis are my absolute dream dog. Having one is a big item on my bucket list, an “I must do this before I die” thing. Right now we have too many cats and preoccupations. When I get a Corgi, I want to have the economical and time-availability resources to give it my all.

I was able to pet this sweet little lady and take many photos. Looking at them now just reinforces my desire! Someday, someday…

When I got home, my new Imaginext Parasaurolophus had arrived! It’s such a surprise to see them make this Cretaceous hadrosaurid –a favorite of mine, right when I am working on a book about one, too! Its mouth opens and closes:

It makes gentle bellows and stompy noises too!

Something important that happened on this day was that I finalized my decision regarding FurAffinity, and by extension, most of my leftover social media. I deleted cohost, Gumroad, Carrd, Mastodon, Retrospring, and Toyhou.se (haven’t decided about Instagram yet). I sent deletion requests for my two FA side accounts and would be sending the one for my main account on Sunday night.

๐ŸŒˆ Saturday ๐ŸŒˆ

Saturday was a slow day at work. We tried to keep busy as much as we could, but the hours dragged on so slowly. It rained and stormed heavily all day. I had my usual salad for lunch:

We had two doggy visitors on Saturday! As always, I got pictures:

The second dog belongs to one of my coworkers. Her stepfather had come in with the dog and was walking around the store holding the dog up in the air to embarrass her. It was honestly adorable, she literally went to hide among the merchandise, she was so mortified, haha.

After a nice shower, a good dinner, and making the beds, I settled in for some wine and WoW:

It was sooo nice! ๐Ÿท๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ‘Œ

I finally went to sleep around 2:00 am. Grover makes the bed look so inviting!

I have been going to bed very late recently. Work is very exhausting, which makes me want to relax for longer in the evenings, but then obviously in the mornings, I am dragging ass… ๐Ÿ˜ฌ Very soon life will go back to normal though, so at least there is that.

๐ŸŒˆ Sunday ๐ŸŒˆ

Lunch was similar to other days, but I keep taking photos of my lunches because there are only a handful left of them at work. Also, the fruit and veggie Good2Grow juice was my favorite so far!

On Sunday evening, I sent in the deletion request for my FurAffinity account. I originally created the account on January 1st, 2012. That is a long time. I have not been on any other website as long as I have been on FurAffinity.

I am not sure what my daily Internet life will turn into now… For the last 12 or so years, I checked FurAffinity multiple times per day. Now, this will be gone, along with most other online social spaces I had left. I am unsure regarding Instagram… but it’s so full of bots anyway. So maybe I will also leave.

I see pretty monumental changes happening all around me when it comes to the Internet. A lot of younger people are anxious to be untethered from smartphones. Twitter and Reddit are imploding. FurAffinity became a wasteland. DeviantART destroyed itself, and Tumblr is full of “antis”. Cohost is running out of money and a recent, very poorly handled AUP debacle saw many people leaving. And who’s still on Facebook? ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

Most people I know have left most social media or are thinking of doing so, or wish they could do so. I think everyone has wanted to for a long time, but it’s a hard habit to break. It took this implosion, and the virtual self-immolation of these websites, for people to begin to jump ships en masse.

I’ve wanted to leave the fandom communities of which I have been part for years now –they have long become deeply toxic for my psyche– but the monumental level of loss that it entailed made this a step I could not bear to take until my community practically ate itself and its online hangouts became barren.

Now that the time has come, the sense of loss is very much secondary to intense relief. I have no regrets.

On that note, I’d kept every “shout” since I joined FA in 2012, so I used an extension that screenshots an entire webpage and screenshotted all the shouts I had ever received. A shout is a 200-or-so-character message on a person’s profile. I’d screenshot, delete all shouts in the current webpage, and when the new ones loaded, and then screenshot again. It was 40 pages, so a good bit of work, but I feel that it’s worth it to have those memories. ๐Ÿ’•

And so an exhausting week came to an end. I’m off Monday (tomorrow) and then it’s back to work to finish my last week at one of my favorite jobs that I’ve ever had. After next week, I’ll be finishing the last few art pieces, and then… it’s back to drawing and writing for me! ๐Ÿ˜Š

Have a happy week, everyone! Thank you to all who are sticking with me and remaining friends. It means so much to me!

โŒ PLEASE READ: My FurAffinity Account Will Be Deleted โŒ

THIS IS A CROSS-POST OF THIS FURAFFINITY JOURNAL. (Note: I’ve since deleted my account so this link is no longer valid). Because this is a very drastic action, I am reposting it here exactly as it appears on FurAffinity, in case anyone missed it. The wording reflects it being posted over at FA.

I will be sending the deletion request Sunday night. I will not be merely disabling the account –it will be gone completely. I already sent deletion requests for my SnailClub and CharlieBears accounts.

I’m not posting this to get “nuuu pls don’t leave!” comments, hence why I am posting this entry with comments disabled. I wouldn’t make such a serious announcement if I could in any way be made to change my mind, so you shouldn’t try, but you are welcome to stay in touch with me via the avenues I will provide below.

These last couple of years I have done a tremendous amount of back and forth with art accounts and social media. Sometimes remaking and deleting accounts in the same spaces within the month. It took me many false starts to leave Twitter permanently. I’m sure any journal of this sort from me incites eye-rolling, but please understand that behind my indecisiveness is a lot of hurt and sense of loss. I try to stay on sites due to isolation, but staying feels awful, so I leave –repeat ad nauseaum.

Leaving FA is definitely the nuclear option and one I’ve never taken before. I have never been on any website as long as I have been on FurAffinity. Though it makes me sad to delete it, this is only due to memories of what the site used to be, that which it no longer represents for me. Actually deleting it is no real loss to me in its current state.

I make this journal to give people the opportunity to bookmark how I can be found going forward.

Hopefully, the FAQ below will answer most questions:

๐Ÿ‘พ Why?

Multiple reasons. I do want to make clear that the new AUP rules are only a small factor, mainly in the sense that they caused a lot of my friends to leave. This site is mostly dead for me now, both in terms of the activity I see, and in the activity I receive from others. But this isn’t the main reason. The main reason is more personal, and applies to other sites that I am also leaving along with FA.

The TL/DR of it is this: my morals and values as an artist (if that is even a proper way to put it) clearly no longer align with the current “art community zeitgeist”, both in and out of furry. It is not getting any better, so I am once and for all peacing out of those online communities where I find this to be a problem. Right now, that seems to be almost all of them. To put it in comically simple terms, I am not prudish enough to fit in. ๐Ÿ™ƒ

๐Ÿ‘พ Why wouldn’t you leave your account up for posterity, at least?

My personal comfort comes first, and I am more comfortable if my account is wiped altogether than if I leave anything here.

Other things that have been deleted or will be deleted soon (some are pending deletion requests): Retrospring, Gumroad, cohost, Toyhou.se, Mastodon, and even my Carrd. At this point, I am unsure if I will delete Instagram, but since all the same issues are present there, I think it’s probable.

๐Ÿ‘พ What Will Be Left?

Above all, I will ALWAYS have my blog (https://squelfland.com) where I post often. All of my art gets posted there. Everything you would have seen me post anywhere, also gets posted to my blog and will continue to be posted there. You don’t have to miss any of my content if you don’t want to.

Ultimately, my online activity won’t decline by much. Everything I delete was a crosspost for my blog anyway. Whether or not you continue to see my content depends on you and the effort you choose to make. Given this, I fully expect to fade out of the majority of radars.

I’ll still be on my Telegram art channel (https://t.me/artysquelf) and chat (https://t.me/+T47wfGw6FNJjLSpZ). You are welcome to pass the links around to others, as well!

My Telegram is Squelfland (https://t.me/Squelfland) if you need to reach out directly.

I’ll still be on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/squelfland) and Ko-Fi (https://ko-fi.com/squelfland). I’ll still be on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/@squelfland –though I disable comments there) and I have two streaming channels on TwitchGamingSquelf (https://www.twitch.tv/gamingsquelf/about) and Squelfland (https://www.twitch.tv/squelfland).

๐Ÿ‘พ Is This Forever?

I… really don’t know. I guess if the Internet went back a little to how it used to be, maybe I would want to be social online again. I used to enjoy it a lot. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way. I feel that the world has become extremely toxic and virulent towards artists and fictional works, and worst of all, it is artists doing this to each other. So I’m just kinda… done with it all. I’m going back to quietly drawing for myself, as I said I would after closing commissions anyway, but now in my own spaces only.

๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’• Thank You ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

I made good memories here, really good ones. I want to leave before they are spoiled any further for me. Really, thank you for everything. I’ll see you in the spaces I mentioned above, and if things change, maybe in some other, new site, in a few years.

Thank you, everyone. Goodbye!

P.S. If you are an artist friend with a Telegram art channel, please reach out to me. I’ll try to find and follow as many of them as possible in the next couple of days.

How To Interact With A Hostile World?

I think a lot of this ramble will seem either nonsensical or hyperbolic unless you know me somewhat intimately and/or are able to realize what I am inferring here. It’s just something I need to get out to help me process some thoughts and maybe make some decisions.

While I have, and will continue to censor a lot of my thoughts even here on my blog (at least for the time being) I will at a minimum say that I feel myself becoming further alienated not just from the world at large, but all of the communities I’ve once called home. This is not about fandom communities (furry, etc.) at least not exclusively, but about things that define me at a much more fundamental level: being an artist, a writer, a reader.

I am aghast at the virulent attacks against creatives, both artists and writers, and at any non-sanitized form of creativity and fictional works that dare to portray anything taboo, problematic, nuanced, or complex, as well as attacks on people who dare to enjoy a lot of (even mainstream) fictional content.

Most, if not all of my favorite writers and many of my favorite works, would be unpublishable today for a multitude of small or large “moral crimes”. Same goes for many of my favorite video games and movies. Realistically, I feel that the same can be said for any of the books I am writing. Even if I can’t think of a specific reason, if I write something remotely interesting, then someone will find that one scene or character dynamic that calls forth vitriol.

I really do not know where I stand any longer as a creative, or what becomes of my lifelong dreams and goals at this point in my life. I feel angry and lost, but this is so much bigger than me. This is not something that will be resolved in five or ten years. Maybe twenty? It was SO different twenty-something years ago. I’m sure it can feel good again; it’s not like I’m losing hope entirely. But right now, it doesn’t feel good. The more I try to stick around, the worse it gets. It hasn’t felt good for ages.

Perhaps I need to reevaluate a LOT about my life going forward and about how I interact with the world as someone whose main motivator to get up every day is drawing and writing. About how I share it, where I share it, and how much of it I share.

Everything I’ve tried recently in terms of my Internet presence hasn’t improved my sense of isolation and anger. In some cases, it has even added to my stress. I know you all see me come and go a lot from websites. I regularly get eye-rolls and sighs when I delete accounts or remake them. It’s because I’m still trying. I repeat an experiment, and it’s usually just as bad in a different way. Feeling alone online sucks, so of course I keep trying. But over the last year, I am losing hope in a way I never really have before, and, I reiterate, this is not only about fandom communities at all.

In keeping up with my changing life goals, I am seriously considering deleting a bunch more sites, some of which I’ve deleted a few times before. I may delete Retrospring, cohost, Gumroad, Ko-Fi, Instagram, Toyhouse, my Carrd, and Mastodon. And… even, and perhaps most importantly, FurAffinity. But it’s not really about the new rules put in place there. It goes deeper than that in ways I just don’t want to go into.

If I proceed with that, it would leave me with this blog, Telegram, my YouTube channel (a necessity for embeds on my blog) my two streaming channels (which are more of a utility), and my Patreon.

When it comes to my internet presence and online social life, I want to go back to how my life was in the early 2000s as much as possible. I want to stop feeling so disenchanted with society. And I know it is possible for me to leave spaces behind when they become a negative force in my life: I left Twitter, deviantART, and Tumblr, in spite of some stumbles and false starts. I left Weasyl, Facebook, and Livejournal and never went back. Many of my attempts do eventually stick for good, no matter how many false starts people see me have.

Most online spaces are very upsetting for me, even though it is hard to leave them. I think it is possible for a far future to exist in which this changes, and I can always make a return then. But if that time exists, it is very, very far in the future.

But this much I know: it’s likely that if I don’t leave these spaces soon, I am going to end up getting the permanent impression that people are a lot stupider, less tolerant, and cruel than they actually are. These spaces warp my perception. In addition, I am going to like some of my friends less and less as some of them continue to engage in certain behaviors that I consider horribly toxic and damaging, all under the guise of some Greater Good (โ„ข).

It honestly feels as though unless I remove myself more and more, something very bad is going to happen, such as me fully losing my patience and vomiting my Actual Opinions all over the place. Can’t have that –not with the current zeitgeist! ๐Ÿคก

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I am writing about potential decisions to help myself process those possibilities or otherwise discard them. Don’t pay too much attention, but don’t be surprised if I follow through, either.

Week 23 Summary: An Outing To The Everglades And More ๐ŸฆŸ

Happy Sunday, everyone! The rainy season continues. My dental crisis temporarily resolved itself this week, though I do have to look into getting a procedure done. I played a lot of WoW, worked a little bit on art, went to the movies, and on a mosquito-infested outing with our partner. Let me tell you about it.

Thank you in advance to anyone who comments on this post! Though it may take me a little while to reply, your comments mean so much to me! ๐Ÿ’˜โœจ๐Ÿ’•

๐ŸŒˆ Monday ๐ŸŒˆ

CW: Slightly gross medical stuff.

Christopher stayed home this day. He keeps having headaches that debilitate him and leave him bedridden, making it impossible for him to go to work. It’s a lifetime issue for him but it upsets me so much that he won’t get the MRI he was told to get years ago… sometimes I feel that he gets no proper medical care unless I arrange it or sufficiently guilt him about it. ๐Ÿ˜ž

Anyhow, with my pain level down to almost nonexistent, I finally had a good night’s sleep on Sunday night. However, as soon as I lay my head down on the pillow, something odd (and gross) happened: the right side of my nose became uncontrollably weepy for a short while. I didn’t think much about this at the time, but in the morning, when I was throwing my tissues out, I noticed that the discharge had been yellow and reddish. It would later become apparent that I’d had a goddamn infection drain through my nose! ๐Ÿคฏ

My dentist appointment was at 3:00 pm. In spite of now being mostly pain-free, as you know I have an intense, uncontrollable clinical phobia of dentists. So much so, that when I originally made the appointment, I cried, simply out of the anxiety related to discussing my symptoms over the phone. And I do mean that I cried and was visibly shaking throughout the phone call. This is not a thing I deal with very well at all.

I was nauseous throughout the morning and even had the runs a couple of times –all anxiety related. I was also crying when I walked into the office. When they told me that they made a mistake and don’t actually take our insurance, my light crying became full-on sobbing, prompting the people at the desk to very quickly talk to the doctor about seeing me anyway and giving a deal on the price.

I felt so bad that they had to deal with someone like me. I kept apologizing. If treatment for a phobia was more affordable I would absolutely get it. I hate how helpless this makes me.

Eventually, I calmed down. The appointment went well. They took many x-rays and I did fine with those. The dentist scraped and tapped my teeth with her tools and I actually kept it together. I held my little triceratops, Poupon, throughout, and I’m glad I brought him along and didn’t worry too much about feeling embarrassed, because he was a big comfort.

It was ultimately determined that I have a couple of cavities (small ones, and maybe just one) but the reason for my pain was that I developed a dental fistula. Basically an extraordinarily painful infection. It burst, which caused the sudden lessening of pain and gross nose discharge (which would still continue over the next couple of days).

The reason for this was that the root canal done many years ago on that tooth wasn’t done correctly and needs to be fixed. So I am looking for a place that does IV sedation in order to get this taken care of. In the meantime, I’ve been given antibiotics and for now, I am okay.

Our wonderful partner not only took me to the dentist but waited outside for close to two hours for me. I was still very rattled when I came out of the dentist’s office and a bit weepy. He took me to Kimchi Mart where we got tons of Asian snacks and as an extra treat, he got me a very cool present: an official Jurassic World bento cutlery set!

I spent the rest of the day relaxing and playing World of Warcraft. In the evening, our partner created a new render and included a snail in it for me, so I have to show it off on my blog:

๐ŸŒˆ Tuesday ๐ŸŒˆ

I was home on this day as it was my actual day off, and thank goodness for that. I had strong period cramps and still felt emotionally and physically exhausted from my weekend dental ordeal. I did a few chores and played WoW the entire day… have a look at my babies:

Christopher stayed home with headaches yet again.

๐ŸŒˆ Wednesday ๐ŸŒˆ

Still had some leftover cramps this morning, but it was finally time to return to work. I got up early and took care of a lot of housework, including cleaning the snail tank…

Speaking of snails, our partner made me a new render. It’s my new desktop wallpaper!

Work was okay. A little more World Of Warcraft in the evening. He’s a pretty scene I came across:

๐ŸŒˆ Thursday ๐ŸŒˆ

We continue to empty out the store, prepping pallets and pallets worth of stuff to put into the coming truck. The store looks more and more eerie and empty.

A couple of times now, they bought pizza and soda for everyone. Morale isn’t great but little things like these do help.

I helped one of my managers put all the candy away to be sent off to other stores. Bargain helped too!

On this day I reached $1,000 in savings for my mom. So, I’ve recovered half of what my fund used to be.

๐ŸŒˆ Friday ๐ŸŒˆ

Pasta for lunch…

I thought this tree skirt looked exactly like a fancy poncho:

In the evening we went out with friends! We went to see Transformers. It was terrible! But I enjoyed the food and being out together. I brought Palmito along.

๐ŸŒˆ Saturday ๐ŸŒˆ

One more commission was completed:

Just four to go…

When I came in to work, I noticed someone started writing a countdown on the office board:

Lunch was just rice and an egg:

๐ŸŒˆ Sunday ๐ŸŒˆ

CW: Insect photos and video.

Today was a day for me and our partner. We did invite Christopher, but it involved “outdoors time”, so he declined. It was a good thing; he would have been absolutely miserable.

I brought Robito along, and after getting gas and air on our tires, we stopped by McDonald’s for lunch:

We went to the Everglades and attempted a few trails. Our prior experiences, slightly earlier in the season last year, weren’t bad bug-wise, so we were surprised that the number of insects was abysmally overwhelming. Bees, wasps, and mosquitos abounded –most of all the latter. There was also an innumerable amount of huge dragonflies, which is fine, except when you are also surrounded by less friendly bugs, it’s hard to tell what is what. I freaked out many times, and even cried, because I’m a little bitch like that. Our partner lost patience a few times since he couldn’t deal with me not dealing, so we’d go back to the car, but later, he admitted it didn’t feel great for him either so he wasn’t actually mad at me.

Even though we bought bug spray and covered ourselves with it, it only helped but a little. We returned home covered in mosquito bites and two days later, a couple of mosquitoes were somehow still alive in the car.

All that aside, I still got some nice photos to share:

There were some controlled fires going on. We even got to see them working with flamethrowers as we drove by! There was a good amount of smoke.

BUG WARNING AHEAD! I got to see some guys I hadn’t seen in a while. Eastern Lubber grasshoppers! These guys are massive and native to Florida. Here’s one of these monsters on a parking sign:

Roughly 3 to 4 inches in length, they are slow-moving and rather clumsy:

Seeing one, or maybe two or three of these guys is what I would call interesting and fun. I love critters. These are no exception. But there is something about masses of Eastern Lubbers spread in front of you –many crushed and being eaten by other Lubbers while even more are procreating feet away from where this grasshopper cannibalism is occurring, all with a crunching cacophony in the background, that is, shall we say, A Little Much. I actually had to step away as I felt very much like I was going to vomit.

But all in all, it was a really fun trip. Both our partner and I would still be thinking of it and talking about it the next day. Our outings of this sort tend to have some hiccups, this one did as well, but it really helps us bond and we look upon the memory fondly, every time.

We had fancy pizza for dinner, and I relaxed by playing some more WoW.

This wasn’t a bad week overall, but it was physically and emotionally draining. I feel like I’ve done the bare minimum on this post, but maybe it’s just me. I can’t wait for the store to close, then I can take a sabbatical, see my mom-in-law, finish the last few commissions, and use the downtime to reset myself.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for this week. I’ll catch up with you all next Sunday!