Tag Archives: Rant

JUST WALK OUT: you can leave!!

…except, of course, when you can’t.

I’m sure you have seen the (pretty wholesome) meme I am referencing above. It’s very popular on Twitter, a reminder of the constant dread and anxiety shared by everyone using the site. Twitter is absolutely horrible, yet we feel like we can’t step away, to the point its users constantly remind themselves and each other that YES, you can leave the site, just log off, it’s okay. Sometimes nicely (as in this meme) and sometimes harshly (go touch grass/you’re terminally online/etc).

But few of us do. When we do, we come back rejuvenated, singing the praises of having touched said grass for a few hours, or read a book, or walked the dog. We feel so much better! So why are we back? Above all, connection. Or work. Or both.

Recently I had another upsetting event, barely so if I’m honest, considering what I used to deal with. Yet it sent me in a terrible spiral. I spent hours muting words, until I hit the Twitter mute word limit (didn’t know there was such a thing).

When I was done, I felt no better. Instead all I had was the horrible nagging need to wipe my existence off of Twitter AGAIN, except now I know for a fact that if I do it, that is it. There is no more making a living from my art.

I know everyone is tired of these gripes. It’s always the same. I’m really sorry. It’s just that this site is hurting me. No matter what I do, how many hours a day I block it. It’s hurting me.

A couple of years ago I deleted Twitter entirely, wiped all my accounts, and I felt so much better. I had a lot less work though and that sucked. But my brain worked better. I got better. I legitimately do not know what to do.

I want to be able to keep drawing. I hope I figure something out eventually.

Frustrated Today

[RANT/VENT, feel free to ignore, I just need to let it out.]

Lately I haven’t really been myself. I’ve been dealing with intensely high “highs” and on the other hand some pretty deep lows (related to work, chores, the house, and such.) Work has me overwhelmed, the house has me overwhelmed, and on some days, even though it’s true that I have to draw because I need to complete commissions, I will have higher priority things that I should be doing (such as post-citizenship paperwork) yet I keep drawing from the moment I wake up until I go to bed because it’s just easier to draw and lose myself in it, not thinking about other stuff I have to do, or about anything else, really.

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking and thinking trying to figure out what has been bothering me by priority level. By and large, it is my “to-do” list. Sometimes it’s really stupid things. I did figure out one of them, the primary one, I suppose.

Our porch is in horrendous shape again. Even when I spent two days cleaning it a few months ago, already multiple things in it were ruined, and that was depressing in its own right, but at least I cleaned the mold off. In this godforsaken state, anything you put outside is ruined by the sun, sometimes within weeks. But it rains so much, you get mold in spite of the sun —because of the humidity.

Last time, I cut myself on a plastic flowerpot that cracked to pieces in my hand due to sun exposure. And right now, in between the dirt and grime and mold, and everything breaking down in front of my eyes, every morning when I see the porch my mood is just kind of fouled for the rest of the day. It’s incredibly depressing. It’s so depressing that I don’t want to go out to water my plans and they are dying.

And you might say well, just clean it. And every once in a while I do, which with pressure cleaning and moving of so many things, takes me two days to do. I have to do it by myself. I’m not very strong nor do I have a lot of stamina. Even though every single time it gets this bad I get so depressed that it affects so much else in my life, it just means I feel even less motivation to do something about it.

If money wasn’t so tight right now, I would just hire someone. It’s too much for me to do alone (primarily the moving of things, and all the decorative rocks have to be cleaned too) and after doing it alone twice I don’t even want to have anything to do with it. I get this simultaneous anger and hopelessness about the entire stupid thing.

It’s just a porch, I don’t know why it affects me to this degree. Maybe because seeing it through the windows it ruins the entire house for me. But I know it does affect me. It happened just like this last time too, and I feel so much worse just writing about it, because I don’t want to do it any more than I did before I wrote this, but now I realize how much it has been affecting me, even more than I suspected. I literally start neglecting the rest of the house as a direct result. It’s a cascading effect.

So yeah. I don’t know. Either I hire someone (can’t, really… I haven’t even bought my walking shoes because I’m so desperate to continue saving money) or at some point I feel so absolutely and utterly miserable that I just do it and waste two days of my life.

I don’t usually feel this much worse after writing a post. Well, at least I know what’s been eating at me. It’s not the only thing, but this one is so major compared to the others that it’s kind of hilarious.

Also, some stuff has left me in such an amount of physical pain for freaking days now, that I don’t know what to do with myself, going on my walks sucks ass, walking up and down the stairs sucks ass, it hurts even trying to work or laying down, and I’m definitely not okay enough to handle the goddamn porch. Like I’m not actually complaining (much) but fuck.

Shit! I’m so cranky. I’m sorry. I don’t usually swear so much. I have multiple happy posts in my drafts that I haven’t worked on because I’ve been so miserable and just trying to keep it to myself for days. I’ve been neglecting friends, too. I thought I was doing well enough and instead I just vomit it all over the blog.

Maybe I will clean the damn thing. Can’t very well stay like this, it’s not good for me, but I just get so angry about it. I hate it. I’m in pain. I don’t want to do it. When I think of doing it I fucking hate my life. Stupid ass porch!!

You Owe Communication 🔥

Over the last week away from home, I’ve had Twitter on my phone, and because I was so bored, I added everyone to a list that I’d peruse every once in a while, about 100 people.

I saw a lot of BS that it’s not worth my going on a pissy tirade about, but there is one 🔥 hot take 🔥 of my own that I want to share.

Last 48 hours I’ve seen several tweets about how awful a commissioner is if they dare contact you within a week to a month (!!) from the date of commission purchase. You know what the thing is though? I almost never, EVER see artists say something like “this is your delivery date/deadline and past that date you will get a refund”. The fact that most artists refuse to do this (something that never would fly in a professional, commercial setting) is part of the reason I rarely commission anyone.

Clients are seemingly expected to fork over money and wait for weeks/months without having any idea of what the artists’ queue is like, and if they do, what is the max deadline for their art. God forbid that, after a week or two or a month of radio silence, they ask for progress! 🙄 A simple question, that probably they are already anxious about asking, and shouldn’t have to be.

You know what? I almost never get asked. You know why? Because I provide deadlines. You HAVE to be able to provide a deadline. There seriously isn’t an excuse. Give an unreasonable deadline, if you have to. Five months. A year. Two years. Whatever. Say a date by which you will provide a refund no matter what. In a community where years-long waits are not at all unheard of, if you gave a commissioner zero inkling of what sort of wait might be in store, there is NOT a wrong time for them to reach out to you, because they just don’t know. That’s 100% on you.

Of course, context and tone matter. An “Is my art done yet??” message 48 hours after payment is obviously uncool. An “I was just wondering if you had an update on my commission” two weeks after payment if you provided absolutely no rough estimate of delivery, is polite and more than reasonable, and it is shitty of you not to have provided an estimated deadline in the first place.

A client deserves an estimated deadline from the get-go. No excuses. If you give one, you won’t have the stress of these messages because your client knows what to expect. Don’t leave them in the dark. They don’t deserve that. You’re doing what you love because of them.

I’m not saying it’s bad to give a long deadline if you must… I certainly do, and most of you know three months is my average. If your client is patient and considerate, they will understand that unexpected health issues might cause you to take up to, say, a year, if that is the deadline you must give (and I’m saying that as a kind of ridiculous deadline. If you can’t promise the art within a year, you shouldn’t be taking commissions, because at that point, that’s more like a donation, or an interest-free loan.)

Maybe it’s because I come from a primarily commercial art background, where a missed deadline is a big BIG deal. It’s also stressful –I do furry art because if I go a little bit past my deadlines my commissioners (often friends) are very understanding. To me, bristling at reasonable requests for updates is unbelievable.

You owe communication. You don’t owe speed beyond what you transparently promised on the onset –if you promised nothing, that’s a problem. Art is a business. Is money or goods changing hands in exchange for your art? It’s a business. Someone worked really hard for the money they gave you to receive a product in a realistic timeframe. It pisses me off to see tweets take traction that will make commissioners feel the process is even more unfriendly to them, when sometimes I don’t know how they keep throwing money at artists after getting continually burned by non-delivery or incredibly late deliveries.

Anyway, shitty takes aside, Twitter sucks ass as always, I don’t know how people manage to use it posting so many unhappy and hateful things every single hour lol, I already deleted the app and the follow list I made.

(Still doing my crossposting thing, nothing is changing from how it was before I left for the trip… I’m just stunned at how toxic it became again, once I made a list to follow people. Just. Holy shit. It’s seeping into FA, too. There is no escape, lol.)

National Squelfpoon’s Vacation: 6/26

To begin with, I’m probably done taking photos because my heart isn’t in them. It feels stupid to post them when I feel so utterly down.

Not much has changed. My mood is still absolutely awful and I cannot let it out anywhere (of course it spills out of me regardless, no matter how much I try).

I don’t want to bring Christopher down anymore. I know it makes him so sad. He wants to cheer me up, but he can’t. So, this is my only outlet.

I remain so stressed about the house and the cats, so bummed and disappointed by the canceled plans, I am so uninterested in this week’s plans and literally counting down the days until I am home again… I SO don’t want to go to the parks. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to go home and mourn what we couldn’t do, and work on art, which invariably cheers me up. That’s all I want and I wouldn’t be a sad sack, I’d literally be happy if I could only do that at this point.

I really was fine with the last two vacation cancellations. This third one, followed by a week of plans I really don’t want to do, is just breaking me.

Every activity on its own would be a fun weekend. But it’s not stuff I want to spend a whole week doing. And it is SO MUCH. It is too much. There is no rest, only frantic packing and unpacking, three different hotel rooms, no privacy, a total of ten hours on a rattling train, walking for hours in 90° + weather with burning hot sun and insane humidity, and multiple hours total of waiting for rides that I (mostly) don’t want to go on.

The worst part is having to be grateful about it all, even though I never wanted this. I am well aware that not wanting this makes me a bad person, a killjoy. But it’s not like I’m against everyone else being happy and having fun. I just don’t want to be here.

Well… it’s not like everything is terrible. I’ve enjoyed playing cards and having dinners together, very much, I always do.

I’m really mostly in a bad mood because of the week ahead, because of wanting no part of this, and having to force myself to be cheerful and grateful about things I don’t want to do. Otherwise, so far it is a very nice time.

Anyway have a random Sissy, my mom in law’s cats have cheered me up a little at times:

I’m all packed now (hooray?) and I had to leave Beanie in the car so I have as little stuff to hunt for in the morning as possible. I hated leaving him alone so I kinda tucked him in.

Going to sleep I guess. Up at 5:45am.

Oh Well…

Hey all… So as previously mentioned the trip was definitely canceled. We couldn’t even do part of it. Most was refunded.

At this time, I’m still just getting over it. Spending time with family for the entire week with alternate plans is nice and ordinarily I would simply say that I’m having a wonderful time. But I am also so bitter and disappointed, this being the third cancellation of our vacation, I don’t care about anything anymore.

No one is showing feelings of disappointment, though surely we all have them, so I’m hiding them too, but, even as I’m having fun sporadically, I get bursts from time to time of just wanting to be home and alone with the cats, and like I don’t care about anything at this point. Our alternate plans are… “ok”. It’s not NYC or Walpole, it’s not lifetime dreams, I honestly couldn’t care less.

We will be doing some Orlando parks instead, starting tomorrow. I could pass on the parks, to put it mildly. It’s rainy and the heat is terrible and I don’t go on any rides (I don’t like them) so… 🤷‍♀️ honestly I think a good chunk of this week is gonna be me just trying to work on commissions to forget the world and hope for the week to be over.

At some point we’re getting on a train for eleven hours to go to Savannah, GA on some sort of tour, and I was mildly excited about that, but having looked at what’s in Savannah, I don’t care anymore about that either.

Sorry to sound so bitter in this post… Everyone here is being very cheerful and I’m making damn sure I put up that front too. But I’ve felt like crying a few times and still do once in a while. I’m so angry and sad. I just need to put those feelings somewhere (here) so I can make sure that they don’t spill over with family because it doesn’t help anyone.

In a more lighthearted note, there was a silly conversation about shrooms in the car and we picked one in a parking lot to give to Christopher.

(He gracefully declined to touch it.)

Then we played cards. That was fun, we laughed a lot. I had one of my little Japanese coffees. An extremely xenophobic comment was made about my drink. That was less fun. 🙃

And then it was bedtime, at which time I wrote about half of this post.

And the rest now (Saturday morning.)

I put my negative feelings here, but it didn’t help much haha. Breakfast came, my drink is wrong. Every small thing is making me see red, lol. I wish I could disappear, if only so my family and friends didn’t have to deal with me.

I Just Kinda Hate Everything 🙃

I do try to remain positive on here, and when I don’t, to not follow it by another negative post, especially when my life is so good overall, but I need to vent somewhere, even if I feel my problems are all first-world, and they are, so please bear with me as I scream into my privileged void.

We are going to bed a half hour earlier and getting up a half hour earlier, and for both my husband and me, it has created no end of misery. I do it because if I sleep, I lose my chance of 15 minutes with him in the morning as he gets ready, and right now every minute with him feels precious. But I am irritable and tired, and he is just tired. Then he leaves, and I don’t see him again til 9:00 pm when we have dinner the moment he walks through the door.

By then, I’ve been so hungry, snacked so much, that I continue to get heavier and more unhappy about it. I want to exercise to balance this out, but even as I wake up today, at 7:15 am the temp was 81°, or 91° with the current humidity, an utter misery and in the hundreds by the time I want to exercise.

It seems so petty to be irritated by waking up at 7:15 am, perfectly normal time that it is, and a half hour longer I am a different person. It’s also not like I don’t know what truly waking up early is: it is waking up at 4:30 am to take a bus, a train, and another bus, to make it to work before 8:00 am and with 45 minutes to spare until your workplace opens, because if you miss a single bus or train you’d be late so you need that buffer. I did that, for months, so I know what that feels like, and how ridiculous our current complaint is. But for some reason, it really, really is very hard to have a good morning as a result. Even though I sleep well enough, and certainly enough hours.

Compounding my bad mood, yesterday I noticed a single mite in my most precious snails, my poms. I wanted to cry. It’s possible however that they too came with mites, likely being wild snails. Only two weeks ago did I put them in soil without hypoaspis since their arrival, so it could be I had been treating them all along without realizing it and stopped too soon. I don’t know. But, more hypoaspis are arriving today and I’m going to be very aggressive treating these snails because if these die, I won’t want to have snails anymore or ever again.

Meanwhile, the four left of my original group haven’t shown mites in well over a week, but they are weak and will not eat. So the prognosis is bad.

In spite of all this I am still trying my hardest with everything. Work on the book continues, with another chapter completed; commission work continues with a comic for Snowthebear now in process of inking and Island’s commission being shaded. I keep up with my housework. I keep doing my best.

Above all, even though he mostly lays on the couch in the evenings (or used to) while I go about my business, I miss Christopher’s presence in the house very deeply. We spend, on average, two hours a day together. Due to his snoring, we currently don’t even sleep together. I’ve gotten used to the loneliness caused by the pandemic, to almost not seeing my mom at all this year, to not having our dinners or parties anymore. Mites aside, the snails help, as do the cats, as do my stuffed animals, and books. But for all I have, without my husband I am so unhappy. Not being able to sit in a coffee shop, people watching while I work, makes it much harder, as this helped my loneliness a lot.

All plans canceled and nothing to look forward to. I’m becoming bitter and jaded about it all. Everything just seems to matter less and less.

Please don’t think I’m not grateful for all I have: a beautiful home, a library, lots of toys, good things to eat, my pets, a loving husband. Honestly having so much just makes my being morose and depressed all the more a source of guilt.

I am not asking for advice or solutions. I just needed to vent.

The one upside in my life right now is how good of a decision it was to leave all the sites I left (primarily Twitter but also everywhere else.) The last step I took was a permanent Twitter block, so even without my account, I can’t ever visit Twitter or Tumblr on any of my devices, even when my main blocks are off, those are never available. It’s effectively as though those sites no longer exist for me and it’s so freeing.

Anyway I am going to try to nap my grumpiness away, before I start my day properly. Sorry for all the venting. It’s all been adding up.